Sunsets are the most beautiful part of the whole day. You can see a thousand colors slowly crossing one another forming a unique representation of feelings and thoughts. Feelings and thoughts of the sky, clouds, sun, moon, stars, mixed in one another. I remember reading “The little prince” a while ago. A book that makes me reconsider it’s meaning every time I read it again and again.
A book explaining the difference between the creativity of the child and the coldness of people as they grow older. A book representing true love and it’s tragedy. A book pointing out distance and the pain it puts people through. As I sat there looking at the sky dripping sparkles of joy above my head, I started remembering a remarkable line from the book, where the little prince explains that when people are sad they just like looking at sunsets. One day he watched 44 sunsets. How sad must he have been? It kind of reminded me of myself right now. Are you alive or just living? When feelings hit you, you don’t really know how to react. You can become a mess, reliving the pain over and over. But what happens when there is no more pain? No more feeling inside of you? When everything that happens just flies right through you, and not inside of you? I had a dream a few nights ago and it was the best dream I ever had. I was so happy, that when I woke up I was truly smiling. And I was happy the whole day.
I just kept thinking about that dream. And suddenly, as I was just sitting at my home with a friend, talking and thinking about life I had a thought. I was happy about a dream. Not reality, not a past event, not a future excitement. I was happy about a dream. Something that never happened, something that isn’t happening and something that will never happen. It felt so hard. I felt so sad. I never thought I would go this far without even noticing. And as I kept remembering the dream, and it’s feeling I started wondering about my life. I’m 21 now, and I never really wanted to grow up. So, I stayed a child in my heart. I still watch cartoons, and make a wish when a star falls, and laugh about little stupid jokes, and get excited about ice cream, and doodle when I’m alone, and daydream all day, and I still believe in world peace and unicorns.
I believe it’s the little things in life. The boy I love since I’m 15 was similar to me. He was a child at heart too. We had plans, and dreams and feelings and thoughts. But suddenly he decided to grow up. He moved to a different continent and got a job, and put his life together without me in it. I don’t know what’s more painful. The thought of him leaving, or the thought of him deciding to live without me in order to be happier. If I was in a different universe, I would have watched the same amount of sunsets as the little prince. Even a little more…